Lack of sexual intimacy in men: why it happens, why it matters and how to navigate it

How long has it been?

Today I want to talk about lack of romantic sensual intimacy in the lives of otherwise successful men. I’m not talking about people who just aren’t that interested in doing it, I’m talking about men who do want more! and just aren’t sure how to navigate that want.

But first of all, why does a lack of sensual intimacy matter and why can it be a problem?

Intimacy is important for your mental health

Intimacy and satisfaction are important components of mental health. Men who lack intimacy may experience feelings of loneliness, depression, and anxiety. It can also lead to a decline in self-esteem and confidence, especially if they perceive their lack of activity as a reflection of their desirability or worth. It is not a reflection of your desirability or worth! Numerous factors contribute, from hormonal changes to busy working schedules. But sometimes it is hard not to let it knock your self-esteem if it’s been a long time. I’ve been there!

I once had a spell in my fashion/ media career where I was travelling across three continents on the reg with crazy hours, numerous “hats” to wear, events to attend, and an expectation that I look a certain way while I do it, which added to the pressure and filled the last few scraps of free time I had with Pilates, trying to squeeze in early nights and doing all my own beauty treatments either at 5am or after dinner because during salon opening hours I was always travelling, shooting, at a meeting, at an event etc etc etc.

Needless to say, my romantic life collapsed and even though I knew it was down to my schedule I did start to feel lonely and inadequate over time, especially the time I suddenly realised nearly three months had gone by with not only zero intimate contact with anyone else but also with myself! I wished I could schedule some hot intimate time- somewhere!- into my overflowing planner. I just didn’t have time for great encounters to occur naturally and organically.

It is important for physical health, including sleeping well and preventing diseases associated with old age

It’s not just mental health- sensual connection is important for physical health too and not getting any can be physically bad for us, especially as we get older. Sexual activity has been linked to numerous health benefits, including lower blood pressure, reduced risk of heart disease, improved immune function, and even better sleep. That’s right! If you’ve had trouble sleeping since things dried up, there could be a direct causal connection.

Studies from the Kinsey Institute in 2017 and the Journal of Sex Research in 2018 agreed that relationship satisfaction is positively associated with sexual satisfaction and frequency, which means if you are in a low-intimacy or no-intimacy relationship it could possibly lead to resentments or frustrations with your partner, eclipsing all the wonderful things you do share together.

Why is this happening to me?

I touched on this earlier but the reason otherwise successful men may struggle in this one area can actually be due to their success.

A study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family (2015) found that long work hours were associated with decreased relationship satisfaction and sexual frequency among both men and women. But of course long work hours are usually required in order to become successful in the first place, and a lack of career success or ambition might not be attractive to potential partners.

This is reflected in a survey conducted by the Institute for Family Studies and the Wheatley Institution (2018), which found that perceptions of masculinity and success can influence relationship dynamics, with some men feeling pressure to prioritise career over personal life. The National Bureau of Economic Research noted in a study in 2019 that higher-income individuals may face challenges related to work-life balance and relationship quality.

In short, the impact of work stress on our sex lives should not be underestimated. It can kill spontaneous desire, even when you are not working, so unless you are scheduling intimacy appointments the way you schedule everything else, time flies by and before you know it, it’s been weeks, months or in some cases years since simultaneous spontaneous desire arose between you and a lover. It can happen to anyone. It happens to a lot of people, and if you are one of them, it is probably not your fault. Society is set up to reward your ambition and hard work, encourage dedication to your career not just for yourself but for your partner and family, benefit from your economic stimulation and sweep under the rug the potential consequences to your equally important but much less taxable private life. It does not care if you become unwell or just plain unhappy.

What can we do to increase romantic sensual intimacy in our lives?

It is not realistic to quit our jobs as a way of decreasing stress and having more free time, so personal time needs to be managed alongside work. If you are someone who writes everything down in their planner, this will work for you!

You know in advance when it’s coming and are prepared for it when it arrives. The attendant excitement and anticipation followed by warm memories mean that one simple date can improve your mood and attitude for weeks.

If you are struggling physically to get things started after a long break, try taking a high quality zinc supplement before getting a prescription. The difference can be remarkable within only a month. I have heard that oysters’ high zinc content is where their reputation as an aphrodisiac comes from! But for this purpose, a few oysters won’t do the job- get a good supplement and take it every morning until the bottle runs out and see what happens.

This stuff works miracles on men if you know what I mean…

Schedule other kinds of intimacy, such as a counselling appointment or two just to chat and a spa day with a nice long full body massage to help put you back in touch with yourself.

I also like to dine solo in really nice restaurants as a treat sometimes. It feels good to do something sensual and romantic just for myself. Plus if you’ve been somewhere before and know where everything is and how it works, you’ll be super relaxed and appear more attractive if you take a date there.

Taking a girl out to dinner feels less intimidating when it’s somewhere you’ve been before and know well!

If you want to, you can also explore online dating, especially paid-for options that can be efficiently scheduled and ensure discretion and confidentiality, unlike Tinder dates. This could be chats over the phone, texting, subscribing to your favourite girl’s X and OnlyFans and exploring everything she has provided for you on her website.

Lastly, take a higher approach and think about why you want to hook up with someone, how you want them to feel throughout and how you could make the experience enjoyable for them too. If you take the approach that it’s all about you, your experience will always be limited (to a kind of assisted masturbation). There is so much more pleasure to be had by giving pleasure away, believe me. Pleasure is the gift that always gives back tenfold- especially in our secret little world.

I am an elegant, affectionate, sensual hedonist and elite, discreet dating companion... a blonde, ultrafeminine and authentically kinky English rose. I like to laugh, smile, flirt and play, whether for a brief afternoon escape, an opulent evening for two or the trip of a lifetime… If you would like to comment on this post or arrange a date, please email

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